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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Breaking News

The Lebanese Health Ministry (or what is left of it) has reported that there has been a rapid escalation of symptoms (but not a spread of the bacterium itself) of what they call the Hariri flu. The bacterium has been named in honour of the late ex-PM Rafik Hariri, who gave everything to Lebanon, never taking anything away from its sons and daughters (except for 99.9% of the ownership of downtown Beirut - but since he's dead now and a hero tool for the "opposition", he is excused - in fact, the airport should now be renamed in his honour - because the "opposition" is apparently for uniting all sides instead of imposing their heroes on others, etc. Yup, very united of them). Officials (or whoever is left of those after the peaceful revolution of accusations of "loyalism" to Syria sweeped through the entire population+) have released a list of symptoms they believe will help identify and honour such cases. That's right, for the first time in history, bacteria are being embraced rather than shunned and battled against.

+ Only 40% of the Lebanese being real Lebanese.

The official list of symptoms:

1-Excessive paranoia
2-"The opposition is peaceful"
3-"We are not militias, only vigilantes"
4-"We don't have weapons, only Hezballah does"
5-"If you're not with us, you're.... pro-Syrian or a Syrian"
6-"Ka3k vendors are mukhabarat"
7-"Najib Mikati is pro-Syrian"
8-"The Truth, we want the Truth! Syria was behind it!"
9-"We're not against Syrians, only the Syrian government. The Syrian people have suffered under the Ba'athist regime just like we have." *stabbing some more Syrian workers*
10-"War? Never again!" *stabbing some more "Syrian-looking" Lebanese workers*
11-"Palestinians? We support their right of return!" (Meanwhile at home: "When will those filthy Palestinians leave our country?")
12-"We're not pro-Israel!" (Meanwhile at rallies: "Disarm Hezballah! Apply 1559 fully!" [because we want to do "Israel's" job])
13-"Zoom Out & Count, 100% Lebanese" (A photographer mistakenly zooms in and here is a lady with her uniformed Sri Lankan maid, and there are two Sri Lankan maids with Lebanese flags, 100% Lebanese indeed)
14-Owns at least 1 Hariri mask
15-Can't utter one sentence without mentioning Hariri's name at least twice, and the rest of the sentence being a mixture of French, English, and Lebanese (See next point)
16-"Lebanon is not an Arab country and the language we speak is not Arabic but Lebanese" (Breaking news for linguists!)
17-Tururuttuttut, General!
18-"You should be happy to kiss General's feet"
19-"The opposition is not sectarian" (Walid Beik not sectarian, Patriarch Politician Sfeir not sectarian, hmm, who else..?)
20-"LFPM is a secular movement that is open for all" (95% of its members are... Christians)
21-"Bring only a Lebanese Forces flag, and never ever talk to Palestinians or Syrians"
22-"We are patriotic and united! See, we wave Lebanese flags, not the flags of the parties we support!" (Meanwhile the "opposition" had to ask its supporters not to bring party flags the NEXT time so as to further the propaganda of "Revolution made for TV" and "A movement for all Lebanese" and "We are united")
23-"Sheb3a farms is not Lebanese; besides, even if it is, it's just a strip of land, why does it matter?" (Meanwhile on "opposition"-supporting "discussion" boards, there are hundreds of members who have 10,425 in their usernames, user titles, avatars, or signatures)
n-Unfortunately, the Health Ministry has so far been unable to count and record all the symptoms of the Hariri Flu. We are working on it 'round the clock. Please stay tuned for more. We will release a statement as soon as we come up with more information necessary to honour the bacteria and attempt to spread it around. We apologise for the inconvenience.

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