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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Lebanese war series - Day #6


I have not been writing much in the Lebanese war entries (6-day series). It's not that I can't say much about the war, it's just that it's difficult for me to talk much about it in terms of my personal experiences, although I have made half-hearted attempts at it.

Fact is, nothing will bring back our loved ones. Those of us who never found out what happened to them will continue wondering, and suffering in the process. The most difficult part is, some of us will never know, because no witnesseses exist, or finding them is literally impossible.

It's more than just a personal experience. For some of us (at least this is the case for me), it has become an obsession. When I look at photos of any particular area of Beirut, I wonder if that is where the "incident" took place. When I was a kid, I would convince myself that "when I grow up I will" find out the truth, and then "everything will be alright". I've given up on those hopes now, although I still can't let go of the wish that one day I would find out. You might think or say (or both), "why does it matter at this point? Just let go of it. It's over now, and nothing can bring him back." Yes, I know. But tell that to my heart. I suppose I sound pathetic; that's why I don't write much about this. And maybe it's better that I am missing out on the events for the commemoration of the war. I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe 30 years from now I will be. But for the moment, I will take my anger out through words rather than crying in public (which is most probably what I would be doing if I went to any of those events). I guess the most important thing is that I don't hate those who hurt my dad. I dare say that if I met them today I would hug them instead of trying to hurt them. Time might not heal, but it certainly does help with reconciliation and forgiveness.

1 month and 13 days left until I land in Lebanon. I've been looking forward to that moment for 4 years now. But as the days roll, I shiver at the thought of going back. I don't know if I can describe what I am feeling or for that matter why. But I can say that it has certainly been different (for a change) to have spent 4 years without constantly being forced, through the streets and buildings of the war, to run through your mind the scenes of death and destruction, the sounds of the bombs, the shelters, the unexploded bombs in apartments, parking lots on fire, tanks rolling over cars with men, women, and children in them, line-ups at gas stations and bakeries, and many, many more. You can take all that and do whatever you want with it. I want new streets, new names, new places. And no memories. Sure, I can talk about it, but it won't go away. None of that will. Ever. You can have your rallies and shows of unity, I will watch and keep silent, and be glad that I'm not there.

And they talk about unity after all the death and destruction.

We are not talking about statistics here. I refuse to subscribe to your movement of turning loved ones into numbers. Your statistics mean nothing to me; there are real people behind those numbers, real names, real suffering. Perhaps start by collecting their names and showing that you care. You and your kind were sitting in bunkers while ordering your so-called "armies" to bomb residential areas, ordering your men to kidnap or massacre civilians (and all that in the name of religion). Your words are hollow, they echo and make a lot of noise, but there is little meaning or feeling behind them. You are opportunists. And if you don't stop using the memory of my dad for your petty agendas and political gains, I will do everything in my limited powers to silence you.

Stop using and abusing the memory of the dead. 15 years after the last man, woman, and child were killed, and you still show no respect.

You can show me this, but I will only see this.

I know it is painful Dan, especially not knowing or finding out, all we can say is allah yirhamu, at least he left a son who is open-minded and good hearted and wants to fight for justice and freedom.

Also Dan, how can one forget the war when the same people who were involved in it are around today doing the same shit, starting troubl, being sectarian, hating the Palestinians, etc, etc, i honestly see but hope not to see a repetition, maybe not as bad but bad enough.
Thanks Jawad and Intifada.

I agree that it's pretty bad that the same people are loose when they should really be rotting in jail (like that dog Geagea). And on top of that they want to release him too. It seems to me the "opposition" is keen on having another war.
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