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Monday, May 02, 2005

A Tale of Three Bulldozers

We already knew one of the bulldozers by name. Also known as "man of peace", Ariel Sharon is responsible for the deaths of thousands of Palestinians in Palestine as well as in Sabra & Shatila and elsewhere in Lebanon, the demolition of thousands of Palestinian homes, and the notorious apartheid wall (also known as "the security fence" in "Israeli" circles).

Less known, however, are two other bulldozers. Perhaps the lack of knowledge is due to the fact that these last two are a new model on the market: designed, approved, and marketed by the State of "Israel".

The first model has been named "Abu Mazen" (otherwise known as Mahmoud Abbas). It was decided that the name would be shortened, in an effort to minimise the troubles of the future Palestinian generations (at least 2 generations, following the Arafat legacy) who will be lucky to utter his name (since they are alive). This is the new kind of democracy (thanks to Bush's doctrine of "no elections possible under occupation"); but the Palestinian people have been reassured by "Abu Mazen" himself that his presidency would be very easy on them, à la Arafat regime.

The product ("Abu Mazen") comes with the following specifications:

• Readily bulldozes beachfront homes [of Palestinians] to prove to "Israel" that he's on the right track.
• Makes no mention of the Right of Return [of Palestinians] to prove to "Israel" that he's on the right track.
• Speaks the language of defeatism to prove to "Israel" that he's on the right track.
Fires [Palestinian] security chiefs to prove to "Israel" that he's on the right track.
Promises to do "Israel's" dirty work (arresting would-be [?] "terrorists" without warrants, destroying arms smuggling tunnels, 'mistakenly' killing children, and so on; an upgrade for the "Abu Mazen" model is to be released soon, which would also enable him to conduct assassinations [also known as "extrajudicial killings" in so-called "leftist" circles]).
• Limited warranty; the marketers disclaim any liability for special, incidental or consequential damages. In the case of defects, the marketers will replace him with a new one. No proof of election necessary for a replacement.

The second model has been named "Irineos I", and a sample of that model and make currently serves as the Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church. Marketers have been receiving complaints about this product as of late, but they would like to reassure new buyers and previous owners alike that there is nothing wrong with him, and that their disappointment is due to the fact that their expectations of the product were probably too high. "Irineos I" is a lot cheaper than "Abu Mazen", but also has less features:

• Sells [Palestinian] land to prove to "Israel" that he's on the right track.
• Plays games with his owners (also known as followers of the Greek Orthodox Church): "yes no yes no yes no yes no. I don't know. I didn't mean to. I wasn't told. I had to do it. I didn't know."
• "Irineos I" is not equipped with Aritificial Intelligence at the moment, and the producers have said they do not plan on introducing that to the model any time soon. He does, however, come with a pre-programmed set of phrases and statements, as stated above.
• Limited warranty; includes police protection, as is the case for all loyal servants of G-d's chosen people. Please keep in mind that the police protection feature is conditional and can vary from 90-day to 1 year warranties, depending on degree of loyalty.

The three bulldozers, "Abu Mazen", "Irineos I", and their godfather Ariel "Bulldozer, Man of Peace" Sharon have joined hands in the fight against... anti-bulldozers.

On another note, do check out this excellent summary of the current state of affairs in Lebanon by Prof. As'ad Abu Khalil.

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