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Friday, February 10, 2006

Am I disillusioned??

I don't know, really. I made my way back to Lebanon because I felt that I needed to do something: find my dad. I don't know if I am disillusioned or what, maybe I should give up on it and accept reality. But what is reality?? I am not sure I believe that my dad was killed. I just hope that he wouldn't be in one of those mass graves that are being found occasionally - or those that will never be found. It's so difficult to go about getting information. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I don't have anything to start from.

Forgive me for this personal post, this blog is not meant to be a personal one. But I just felt like ranting.

hey, good too see something personal really- infact the blogosphere is probably a good place to look for help to find your father...

what happened to him????

I write a lot about the Middle East,
mostly about Iraq.... check out my blog

I am also working on a project to educated people about Iraq, to fill the void of Ignorance here in the West.... Go check out the "Olivebranch Network" (the project): http://olivebranchoptimims.net

How are you trying to find your father? what have you done so far???

Luke(y) aka [olivebranch]

hope to hear from you soon!
Hi there,

Nice blog, will add it to my links. Keep up the good work.

To answer your question about my dad, well he disappeared during the Lebanese war. I think he was with a militia. I've asked everywhere, no one seems to know him or have heard of him.

I think my last stop will be Solida (a group that does advocacy work on Lebanese prisoners in Syrian jails) and then I will give up. Although that's easier said than done, because I will keep going back over and over again. I can't seem to be able to give up on it.


Ya akh dan,

I don't claim to know anything about your situation. But I do know that I hope you find what your heart is looking for.

We are all on a quest, one way or another. My quest? To make something of my family name which has nothing to it after 1948. My family lost everything when they were terrorised out of their home in Lydda, Palestine.

I hope we both achieve what we are looking for.

Salam bro.
Hi Lost in Translation,

Thank you for the kind wishes. I am sorry that your family had to go through that. I really hope that one day you can return. We should work towards that goal. I believe that it will happen. Maybe not in 10 years but in 30 or 40. Let's hope it will be sooner rather than later. My great-grandparents (on one side) were also refugees, but from a different place. I don't think I will ever get the chance to go back, let alone reclaim what belonged to them. And every day is a struggle to define and redefine myself. It's painful but that's the reality of the situation and we have to deal with realities, not escape from them.
Thanks for the reply!

I really understand the 'redefining' aspect of things. What am I? What am I?

I know that I speak Arabic, I know that I am a Muslim. But I live in Europe, but I am not European.

I am married to a North African, but I am not North African.

What am I? Palestinian? But the message has been drilled into me by the global media machine that Palestine does not exist- only in the minds of those who were unfortunate to be terrorised out of their homes pre-1948, but they are a disappearing minority, so out of sight, out of mind.

I want their to be a Palestine so bad so that I can claim a national identity.

And like you said, we have to grin and bear it in order to bring our aspirations closer- if not for us, then for our children, for the diaspora and for those who died defending our heritage.

Anyway, stay strong bro.
Sorry to hear about your father. If there is anything we can do just ask. This issue is far from personal, you know what I mean.
Thanks for the kind words and offer for help, Bashir.

The problem is that my mother might know what has happened to him, but I don't think she's telling the truth. Actually I'm pretty sure she's lying, even though I've pressed her to tell me the truth on a number of occasions. And now we don't talk, she's in another country and doesn't even know where I am. And that's the way it has to be for now. Maybe things could've been easier but I guess sometimes we choose to take the painful road. Maybe I don't even want to know what happened. Well, it's scary to say the least. If they start killing each other again I might just ... I don't know what I would do. Maybe I would just give up or go crazy. This country just depresses me. But I can't leave it. Sometimes I get so frustrated and depressed about what's going on around me that I just want to sleep all the time and not think of anything. I have this weird sense of guilt about things that happened, even though I was just a kid back then. Maybe I didn't have it as hard as other Lebanese did, but I can still hear the sounds of the bombs and can see the blood. It sounds and looks as real as it was back then. I think I'm just stuck in the past and never really got out of it. I just keep wondering, where are all those people who lost loved ones, and how can they forget so easily? How can they be so passive, so silent? No one wants to talk about the war. No one. Everyone just thinks everything's OK now that the guns are silent. No it's not OK. Suffering doesn't just end as abruptly. The Lebanese are living in a dream. And well, I'm living in a nightmare. Maybe theirs is a better choice. Now if I could find out how they manage to do it...
Has there been any updates regarding your quest to find info about your father? Keep us posted.

Wishing you all the best.
Hi Bashir. Thanks for asking. No nothing new. I think that's it, I'm not going to continue with this. It's seriously depressing me.

Time to let go.

Hey bro,

Where are you? We haven't heard from you in ages.

Take care.
Dan, when somebody starts searching, I think it's really alright for them to feel like they want to give up. There is no need to force things. Then, should that need to search come again, you undertake the search again. I do hope you do find what you are looking for and that you take comfort in it. And I hope you, Lost in Translation and all the other people who have been deprived their identity and land, will see their destinies fulfilled in the way that brings them joy.

Hope to see you posting again. Really REALLY miss your blog!
Salam Anonymous,

Sorry for not updating the blog or keeping in touch (can you e-mail me on my yahoo address? I can't find your e-mail address). I haven't been feeling too well. But, I think I might've finally found the right path in life.


Thanks for the nice words. I don't think I will be posting much from now on. I will try to, but I can't promise anything, because it's better for me to stay away from politics. I've found refuge in religion and I don't feel that talking politics is a healthy thing for me.

I might have a change of heart about blogging politics but I think I will be taking a month-long break from it (I've already taken a long break and I feel better).

My apologies again, and if you'd like to contact me, you can do so at free underscore falasteen underscore now at yahoo dot ca

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
destroy Israel...
My heart goes out to you Dan! We indeed tend to feel disillusioned at times.

This is Joshua from Israeli Uncensored News
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